so i was looking at the last time that i posted on this blog, and it was almost a year ago. it would seem i write in spurts. probably when i have things going on in my life.
many of you know what's happening in tina and i's life right now. in the last 2 days we've gone from apprehension about the birthing process to elation at a healthy and quick birth to fear of the unknown as we saw our little boy laying on a hospital crib with tubes and wires running into him, not knowing what surgery would do to him. i have to say that i've cried more in the last two days than i have in probably the last 5 years put together. there have been tears that come from seeing my son in such a condition, tears of frustration at not being able to bring him home, which has brought an unusual feeling of loneliness for tina and i. tears of joy, yes, there have been tears of joy, shed as i held my son in my arms and stared down into his inquisitive and trusting eyes. but staring into those eyes has also brought sadness, knowing that i can't stop my son from suffering.
i have seen how blessed we are. i think it is a sign that you are leading a blessed life that when you are going through a hard time, you have more people offer to help than you have needs. for that i am eternally grateful.
i won't rattle on, i know new days will bring new developments and feelings. i will just say that i have learned so much in the last two days. my heart has been pierced by this little boy named ben, and i know that no matter what the future brings, my life is changed forever. this is fatherhood, and even though my introduction to it has not been normal, i believe that i'm developing a love for my son that knows no bounds. that's something worth living for.