so i was looking at the last time that i posted on this blog, and it was almost a year ago. it would seem i write in spurts. probably when i have things going on in my life.
many of you know what's happening in tina and i's life right now. in the last 2 days we've gone from apprehension about the birthing process to elation at a healthy and quick birth to fear of the unknown as we saw our little boy laying on a hospital crib with tubes and wires running into him, not knowing what surgery would do to him. i have to say that i've cried more in the last two days than i have in probably the last 5 years put together. there have been tears that come from seeing my son in such a condition, tears of frustration at not being able to bring him home, which has brought an unusual feeling of loneliness for tina and i. tears of joy, yes, there have been tears of joy, shed as i held my son in my arms and stared down into his inquisitive and trusting eyes. but staring into those eyes has also brought sadness, knowing that i can't stop my son from suffering.
i have seen how blessed we are. i think it is a sign that you are leading a blessed life that when you are going through a hard time, you have more people offer to help than you have needs. for that i am eternally grateful.
i won't rattle on, i know new days will bring new developments and feelings. i will just say that i have learned so much in the last two days. my heart has been pierced by this little boy named ben, and i know that no matter what the future brings, my life is changed forever. this is fatherhood, and even though my introduction to it has not been normal, i believe that i'm developing a love for my son that knows no bounds. that's something worth living for.

winter blues

i haven't posted for several months. i think the last time i did was right when we came home from spain, and i was going through some pretty intense culture shock. so it's kind of hard to catch up like 5 months of life, so i'll skip it. things are a little tough for me right now. i haven't worked all week because of visiting family, new year's, and some ridiculously cold weather here. i always forget every year how much it sucks to be a mason in the winter. i guess that's a lot of the reason why i'm going to be going to school. can't do this forever.

so the new year is bringing with it some new challenges for me. algebra, english; all those things that i haven't thought about since high school. i'm excited about learning again, but i would be lying if i said that i wasn't a little freaked out about it. sometimes i kick myself for not having gone to school right after high school. it's easy to think, "oh man, i would have all this done with by now, and have a good job, and a secure future." that's when i remember all of the great experiences that i've had, and all of the great people that i've met. i've lived over a year of my life abroad, and i probably would not be married to the wonderful woman that i am married to had i went to college right away.

so when i look back, i don't regret my decisions. i mean, i can always 'what if' myself, but i'm grateful for my life's experiences. i wouldn't be who i am today without them.

then there is the question of careers. i don't know, man. i still haven't made up my mind. i think i have trouble making decisions when there are so many options. i'm not stressing too much over that, though, right now. one step at a time, i'm sure God will provide.

God bless you all this winter. hopefully i have a chance to see you all sometime soon.

lenny

Early thanksgivings

Today I was riding in the car with Len, and I had one of those moments where you just are overwhelmed with how good God is. The trees are completely beautiful - even tho it's not sunny outside, it's a gorgeous fall day. I have a wonderful family that I really enjoy being with, all of my finacial needs are met, I have the most amazing husband ever (he really deserves an aside so I can tell you how great he is! He bought me flowers and took me out to the Burgandy room last night, because he knew I had had a rough week. He lets me hang out with all my sisters a lot, and even comes with me! Thursday night it was me and julie and heidi and marcia and Len,all having dinner! And he cleaned my kitchen this morning. Really cleaned it, as in lifted up the top of the stove, which I did not even know you could do- and cleaned! He's the best.), and eternal life with Jesus. And then I got to thinking about how without Jesus I might not even be thankful for all of that. It would be so easy to dwell on my headache, and how stressful going back to the bank has been, etc. SO then I was thankful that Jesus has helped me be thankful!
So yes, I am back at the bank, but just 2 days a week, friday night and Saturday morning. I think it will be much better that full time. I am still going to keep my cleaning jobs, which right now are all on thursday and friday morning. So I will have mon, tues and weds to keep house and sanity! I went in weds for some training, as so much has changed since I left. Mainly it's getting used to the new computer system.
Our other news is that Len is going to school this winter! We are probably completely insane as he has signed up for 14 hours of classes, and will still try to work as much as he can! I probably will never see him, but we really want to do this, and winer's the best time to take lots of classes. So we'll see how it goes at least!
My brother's soccer team is doing fabulously in tournaments - they've won two more games than they were expected to, so Len and I are at my parents for the second weekend in a row to watch him play! It's great fun, but I always get so nervous for him! Probably afterwards we will go to bedubs and watch osu. GO BUCKS!!!

musings

Things I have thought about in the last 24 hours - So I watched this amazing show on pbs last night. I love pbs. It was about a woman in afghanistan who ran for parliament, and made it. She is such a revolutionary because she is standing up to the warlords and bullies and not backing down, even tho her life is in constant danger. It showed how she campaigned, and how people came to her for advice, or to intercede between disputes. I was made aware again and again of the privileges I have, and the need to pray for our exteded family there. Whenever I'm shaken out of my rut by seeing something like that, I can't help but ask God, Why am I so chosen?! It's something I simply cannont comprehend. I always go back to this article my dear uncle Keith wrote in the Beacon, about how we can't choose some things, we just need to honor God with where and who and what we are.
I am also re-reading ordering your private world, which we had to read as reach leaders, but is so good I will probably read it time and time again. He talks about the difference between someone who is driven and someone who is called, one of the differences being that someone who is called is convinced that he is a steward, not an owner. He talks about the principle of release, that one day, with our children, our money, or anything else, God will ask for it back. A called person lives with this knowledge of release that will come, and orders his/her life knowing that one day, it will be given away. It's such an amazing thought. So for me, it was, I have three areas of assets - time, money, and talents. When God asks for them, which he will, what will I have done with his assets? Think about it!

Summer is almost over......

Yes, it's been awhile! We are still alive and ticking, and have been pretty busy, but that's summer for you. We did go to conference at the beginning of August, which was a bit hectic, but fun. I got to reunite with all my Ecuador teammates, which is practically a miricle! We got to meet Steph's husband, and all sat around and reminisced about how young and stupid we once were, and how much we have all changed. It still amazes me how much that one year of reach affected my life, and how much growing up I did that year, and my year at rosedale too. I was marveling last night at how choices I've made have had such an impact on how I'll live. And how the good choices that my parents and grandparents made make it so much easier for me to make good choices. I know how to choose and work at having a healthy marriage because I've seen that modeled by my parents and grandparents. And How much easier was it for me to believe in Jesus because I grew up being taught that that was truth? It makes me so grateful for the Godly heritage I have. Anyways, we had a great time at conf. seeing people we hadn't seen in a while, and getting to see melis and keith haarar's new little girl, keira noelle! cute cute cute!!!
Monday night I went with Heidi down to Hocking Hills to go camping with Julie and Marsha. We had a fabulous time being goofy, and eating all of marsha's fabulous food, watching shooting stars, and fishing! Marsha is hilarious, she loves to fish, but she hates worms, so every time they go, she has to have Julie put the worms on for her! So julie was our designated worm-putter-oner. I caught nothing, even tho we were at a great spot (fish hate me), but the rest of the girls caught a few. We went swimming even tho we weren't supposed to, and took a long walk in the woods to build up our appetite again after a huge breakfast! How fun is it to be a girl?! I love it!
We went up to my parents house this weekend because it was the last weekend we could all be there in a while, as Heidi leaves this thursday for Asbury. Aside from a slight flea infestation, it was great fun. Scott bought all four seasons of Smallville, and you could barely pull him and Heidi away from the tv all weekend! So the rest of us girls played mario party, which is somewhat of a tradition in our house. I think it started as a way for Scott to get all of us to play nintendo with him! I completely suck at all the mini games, but it's fun anyways. We also went and saw Stardust, which I highly recommend, and walked around Target and this little blueberry festival a bit.
Things I love right now - Charles Shaw Savignon blanc from Trader Joe. Really good wine, about 4$ a bottle, perfect to cook with and drink! If I ever bought a whole case of wine, this is it!
- the new exit from 270 onto 71 north! So much nicer - why didn't they do this from the beginning?!!! I am hoping that my thanksgiving will be a much nicer day because we will not have had to wait for half an hour just to get onto 71.
- second vacations!!
- more importantly, the book of proverbs.

"Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering towards slaughter.
If you say, "But we knew nothing about this,"
does not HE WHO WEIGHS THE HEART perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay each person according to what he has done? "
PV. 24:11-12

relaxation at its finest

so, not to make you all jealous, but right now i'm sitting in our bedroom overlooking the ocean. you can't beat it. today i spent mostly swimming, catching up on some reading, and playing a game of ultimate, which by the way, proved to me that i am way out of shape. it was fun, though, and it's cool being here with tina's family. so, looking back, it's hard to believe that only 2 months ago, i was in spain waiting to come home. life has been kind of a circus since then. i've been back doing masonry, which is cool, but it seems like my life is so planned, and you have to force yourself to relax and enjoy life. that's one of the reasons why i'm so glad to be down here. it's relaxing, and a lot of fun. tonite tina and i are going to share some with the family about our trip, so we are looking forward to that. every time we talk somewhere, it always helps to bring back those memories and thoughts from when we were in spain, and i can process them a little bit. anyway, i'll stop rambling. God bless you all.

normalness

So, I am officially a maid! (cleaning lady is more accurate, but it's fun to mix it up.) So far, I like it. I have 3 houses I am doing, one that is every other week, one that is every friday morning, and one that I'm not sure how often it will be. I'm hoping to add at least one more, we shall see. I like that I can set my own hours, that it's lots of exercise, that the pay is nice, and it's only a few hours a week. Part of me feels like a bum, just doing housework most of the week, but I am enjoying it! The only part I don't like is I'm alone so much. I really got used to having people around all the time, and I miss my team!! I miss them, but at the same time I tend to get into this loner funk, where any interruption is a nuisance, even my sweetie! I think our friend Don. Miller wrote about that once....
Hooray for upcoming vacations...... and sprays that kill ants......and fireworks.....and good wine!